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L. David Wheeler's Live Journal, The World's Most Boring Blog
9th-Jan-2012 05:22 pm
ShaveDave, jar
So I'm doing some housecleaning and reconfiguring today -- and I've come across an envelope containing a bevy of Fake Fortunes, created by assorted friends and colleagues at The Company (notably Marcy Mahoney, who used to very occasionally post here as hazmatplaytime a few years back) as something of a send-up of insipid fortune-cookie offerings. A lot of inside jokes, pop-cultural references and general silliness. Plus the "Lucky Numbers" tended to be stuff like "25 & 6 2 4" or the Numbers from Lost.

A sampling:

* You will have the honor of seeing the first frog of spring. (There's a story behind this one -- about a dozen years ago, someone, maybe me, took a call from someone from a town about a half-hour's drive away from the office, who excitedly enthused that they just saw the FIRST FROG OF SPRING and thought we should SEND A PHOTOGRAPHER DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW before it hopped away. ... Um, yeah.)

* Dude. You have no idea.

* Beware the soles of your shoes while running. They may trip you. (That ... MIGHT be a reference to something that ... MIGHT have happened to someone ... who MIGHT have been me.)

* Won't you take me to Funkytown?

* He who stands on toilet is high on pot.

* Join me, and we will rule the galaxy as father and son.

* Return me to the cookie, Ledley.

* The thermostat lies. (It did. Still does.)

* Googlezeefloifenflauf.

* This paper is laced with arsenic.

* I'm too sexy for this box of fortunes.

* Bite me.

* He with much tresses,
Beard like a man of old times,
Let us shave him bald.
(It's entirely possible that this haiku may have been about me.)

* Durpitty Durp.

* It wasn't me. It was the one-armed man.

* The rhesus monkey is the noblest of the primates.

* You just don't get it, do you?

* Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn.

* I like your hat.

* The pink balloon registered under a fake name while waiting for the four horsemen. (This was from a writing exercise in a writers' group Marcy started, using the old Surrealist Games gambit of having people write random subjects, predicates and the like and mashing them together randomly, and letting that serve as the opening sentence for a story to be written in about 20 minutes' time. I'll have to track mine down; I remember being vaguely proud of it.)

* Alpacas should never be confused with howler monkeys.

* It is partly cloudy, AND it is partly sunny. (Aside from its origins in something stupid I said while preparing the paper's weather page, this one is kinda-sorta-if-you-squint profound.)

* Vacuum cleaners suck.

* She who bears the club makes the rules.

* Why you want now? (Actual quote from Chinese-restaurant employee taking a takeout order. Shockingly, that restaurant is no longer in business.)

* Dave, your hair is on fire.

* Look out!!!
10th-Jan-2012 05:18 am (UTC)
There are some classics . . .

Continued on next cookie.

Finish your cookie, or the Happy Family will cry.

And of course, I think it started out as the title of an Alan King book, Help, I'm being held prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.

My own would say, "Next time, get the almond cookie. They're WAY better."
31st-Mar-2012 12:04 pm (UTC)
My brother said the other day "Fortune cookies could really freak you out if you didn't know what they were."
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